You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judy.
The cases are real. The creatures are folkloric. The rulings are final.

.

CASE #10705: EVIL STEPSISTERS v. CINDERELLA

Judge Judy:
You two stepsisters are suing Cinderella and her prince because your
feet were irrevocably damaged after trying on some shoes, correct?

Evil Stepsister #1:
Yes, Your Honor.

Evil Stepsister #2:
He would only marry the woman who could fit into that shoe —
exhibit A — so we had to mutilate our feet to get it on.

Judge Judy:
You thought a prince with a foot fetish was your best option for a happily-ever-after life? Lissen up: You ever heard of Old Mother Hubbard? Know what her name used ta be? Sleeping Beauty! You girls: Get some help. Case dismissed. Step out please.

(to bailiff)

Un. Be. Lievable.

•    •    •

CASE #10706: HANSEL & GRETEL v. THEIR FATHER

Judge Judy:
Are you tellin’ me you didn’t try anything to find your children?

Father:
I waited outside the cottage every night for those two!

Judge Judy:
You didn’t hire a private detective? Talk to a wizard? Nothing?

Father:
I — I’ve got no bread!

Judge Judy:
You, sir. Are. A. Weasel. Judgment to the plaintiffs.

(outside the courtroom)

Hansel:
We’re very happy with the verdict! Dad’s cottage is gonna be worth a fortune!
With that, and the witch’s place and her gold, we are sittin’ pretty!

Gretel:
Thanks, Judge Judy!

•    •    •

CASE #10707: RAPUNZEL v. HER BIRTH PARENTS

Judge Judy:
So you gave your baby dawtah — your only child, right? — to the witch
who lived next door as payment for some stolen salad greens?!

Rapunzel’s Parents:
Uh, well, when you put it like that, I guess it sounds kinda —

Judge Judy:
ARE YOU KIDDIN’ ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

•    •    •

CASE #10708: JILL v. JACK

Judge Judy:
You left her lying there, even though you could see she was in trouble?

Jack:
There was nothing I could do!

Jill:
I really twisted my back, Your Hon —

Judge Judy:
Up-bup-bup! You’ll get your turn, madam! Go on.

Jack:
My crown was broken! I had to get in bed with a poultice
of vinegar and brown paper. It’s all in the file there —

Judge Judy:
Why wouldn’t you call all the king’s horses and men?
Isn’t that who you contact in emergencies around here?

Jack:
I lost my cell phone!

Judge Judy:
That is a crock of baloney, sir! Now your side, madam: GO.

Jill:
So I really, really hurt my back and I’m suing for loss of work, and mental cruelty and…

Judge Judy:
Hold on a second. Why does it take two of you to fetch one little pail of water?

Jill:
I have carpal tunnel.

Judge Judy:
Then why not just send him?

Jill:
Because he usually drinks it all before we can get it to the customers!

Judge Judy:
Customers? Who buys well water? What’s goin’ on up that hill? HUH?

Jill:
Well, nothing illegal like a still or anyth — oops.

Judge Judy:
Okay. That’s it. I’m turning your case over to the king. Simple. As. That. You won’t be needing molasses or whatever you had on your head — you’ll be lucky to have your head at all! Not that either of your heads was ever screwed on straight to begin with.

(to bailiff)

Nuts! They’re all nuts!

•    •    •

CASE #10709: EVIL STEPMOTHER v. SNOW WHITE

Judge Judy:
Okay, madam, you’re suing your stepdawtah for the cost of a
comb, some laces, and an apple, is that correct?

Evil Stepmother:
Yes, Your Honor. And also for the cost of a magic mirror which she broke. Willfully.

Judge Judy:
Madam, the police report shows clearly that the mirror broke itself.

Evil Stepmother:
But — !

Judge Judy:
Get over the mirror. Now: Do you have any receipts for the costs of any of those items?

Evil Stepmother:
Well, no. I mean, it’s not like that…

Judge Judy:
Then what are we doing here?

Evil Stepmother:
I made those things myself! They were priceless! I’ll never be able to replace — !

Judge Judy:
SHHHHHHH! It’s not happening! Okay. Now you. You are?

Snow White:
Snow Kristi-with-a-smiley-face-over-each-i White.

Judge Judy:
What’s your story?

Snow White (recites in a too-sweet, singsong-y voice):
One winter day, my mother was sewing and while she gazed out
at the snow through an ebony window frame —

Judge Judy:
Stop! Lissenta me: why are you here in my courtroom?

(to bailiff)

Dumber. Than. Dirt.

(to Snow White)

Are you responsible for ruining those things?

Snow White (shrugging):
No. I mean, I guess those things got wrecked, but I didn’t wreck ’em.

Judge Judy:
Miss White, if you didn’t, who did?

Seven Dwarves:
Uh, Your Honor?

Judge Judy:
Who are these people? Are these friends of yours?

Snow White:
These used to be my housemates.

Judge Judy:
All of them? Unbelievable. Okay, go ahead, please.

Seven Dwarves:
In order to save Snow White’s life, there may have been
some inadvertent damage to the aforesaid items.

Judge Judy:
What? SLOWLY!

(to bailiff)

Oh brother. This is gonna take awhile.

(outside the courtroom)

Snow White:
My stepmother is crazy. And she’s still mad about the whole,
red-hot iron shoes thing. Gosh! Get over it!

Evil Stepmother:
I don’t care what Judge Judy says. I’m still the fairest. The fairest!

•    •    •

CASE #10710: OLD WOMAN IN SHOE v. PRINCE CHARMING

Prince Charming:
Hey, how ya doin’, Judge?

Judge Judy:
Don’t you ask me how I’m doing. Where’s her money?

Prince C.:
I don’t owe her a —

Judge Judy:
Stop. Stop tawking. Do you mean to tell me that —

Prince C.:
— single dime! She like —

Judge Judy:
I’m tawking, sir! When I am talking, you do not talk! You got that?

Prince C.:
Yeah.

Judge Judy:
Yes.

Prince C.:
Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
That’s better. So let me get this straight: This old woman
in a shoe, here, a single mother of — how many?

Old Woman In Shoe:
Thirty-six, I think, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
You “think”?

O.W.I.S.:
I’m pretty sure.

Judge Judy:
Pretty sure?! You don’t have an exact count of your children?

O.W.I.S.:
Well, okay, thirty-six that I know of for certain. Oh, wait — no! — fifty-seven!
Fifty-seven is right. Some of them are at camp.

Judge Judy (to bailiff):
These people. Are. In. Sane.

(to Prince C.)

Okay, so back to you, Mr. Chawming…

Prince C. (sniggering):
Uh…that’s Prince Charming, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
Don’t be a Smwaht Mouth with me, sir. I’m much, much smarter than you.
You’re not as smart as I am if you live to be 103.

Prince C.:
Well actually, as an iconic male fantasy character, it could be argued that I’m a lot older than —

Judge Judy:
I’M SPEAKING! What gave you the idea that this mother of fifty-seven —

(to O.W.I.S.)

We’re sticking with that number?

(O.W.I.S. hesitantly nods yes and Judge Judy continues)

— fifty-seven children, would let you live with her rent free?
Are you married? Is she your girlfriend?

Prince C.:
No! We had a verbal agreement.

O.W.I.S.:
He was living with us —

Judge Judy:
Shhhhhh! So you have no legal document of any kind that states that this woman would pay for all of your cosmetic surgeries, care for you afterward, and give you a place to live? Nothing?

Prince C.:
Well, like I said, we had a verbal agreement. I said I’d look after the kids sometimes and she said she’d help me out. I mean, I’m like doin’ her a favor jus’ bein’ around her! I’m, like, twenty-one and she’s, like, almost thirty! And it’s not like she doesn’t have the money or nothin’.

Judge Judy:
You think a woman with fifty-seven children has money to burn?

(to bailiff)

Cannot stand him.

(to O.W.I.S.)

Now, to you, madam: did he do what he said and help
with the kids? Help around the house at all?

O.W.I.S.:
Mostly he just lay on the couch, watchin’ TV.

Judge Judy:
Was he watching this show?

O.W.I.S.:
He watches that jousting show.

Judge Judy (to bailiff):
This is why. You do not let. Fifteen-year-old princesses have babies!
This is the future of our fairy tales.

(to O.W.I.S.)

If you’ve learned anything, madam, and I hope you teach all fifty-seven of your kids this: Do not fall! For a pretty! Face! Judgment to the plaintiff in the amount of a big sack of gold for back rent. And in the future, madam, get a contract in writing before a guy moves in. Step out, please.

(outside the courtroom)

O.W.I.S.: I guess I’ll be more careful next time.

Prince Charming (sees Evil Stepsisters #1 and #2 in hallway and sidles up beside them):
Wow, those colors look really awesome on each of you! Would you ladies care for a little lunch? I know a place that takes plastic. (both sisters blush and giggle delightedly)

•    •    •

CASE #10711: GRANDMOTHER v. RED RIDING HOOD

Grandmother:
She’s come home a few times and asked us to call the police because of her no-good boyfriend who’s been stealing from her trust fund. And we —

Boyfriend:
But she gave me that money for a new investment opportunity!

Judge Judy:
Stop just a minute. Is this the boyfriend right here? Stand up. What’s your name?

Boyfriend:
My name is —

Judge Judy:
What? STAND UP!

Boyfriend:
I am standing up, Your Honor! And my name is Jiminy Cricket!

Judge Judy:
All right, Mr. Cricket. (pause) You look familiar to me. Have you been in my courtroom before?

Jiminy Cricket:
Uh, no ma’am?

Judge Judy:
I saw you in connection with another case. With a certain Thumbelina?

Jiminy Cricket:
No ma’am. That was my cousin.

Judge Judy:
Oh, your cousin? I think not. You owed her for rent as I recall?

Jiminy Cricket:
No, Your Honor! That was my cousin, Mole!

Judge Judy:
Are you serious? You think I can’t tell the difference between
you and a mole? Okay, I’m done with you. Siddown.

(to bailiff)

Are you getting this? It’s so easy. So easy.

(to Grandmother)

I can see why you are concerned about your granddawtah’s choices,
madam, but this is a legal matter. Not an emotional one.

Grandmother:
But Your Honor! She’s run away from home and we haven’t
seen her in months — and her stepgrandfather and I —

Little Red Riding Hood:
You threw me out! I hate you!

Grandmother: We did not throw — !

Judge Judy:
BE QUIET! (Wham! Wham! Wham!) You, madam, are going to have to let her make mistakes. She’s got a job, right? Delivering Meals on Wheels? She looks put together in that red get-up, yes? Not exactly my taste, but whatever.

Little Red Riding Hood:
Yes. Thank you, Your Honor.

Grandmother:
I guess he is better than her last boyfriend.

Judge Judy:
Not that it’s any of my business, but what happened to him?

Grandmother:
He ran off with the woodcutter.

Judge Judy:
Case dismissed. Be nice to each other. Step out, please.

(outside the courtroom)

Jiminy Cricket:
I AM standing up!

Tune in next week when Judge Judy goes
Puritanical on the Salem Witch trials!

Judge Judy:
Can I see the police report on these mysterious goings-on in the woods?

Chief Justice William Stoughton (shuffling frantically through a sheaf of papers):
We — we don’t actually have a police report. But we have eyewitnesses!

Judge Judy:
Are these girls your witnesses?

William Stoughton:
Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
Stand up. (the girls stand up) Oh. Brother. I can see it from here.

(to bailiff)

Are you seein’ this?

(to Stoughton)

Do you have children, sir?

William Stoughton:
I don’t see what that has to do with —

Judge Judy:
I have dawtahs and I wouldn’t believe a single one of these girls. Not. One. These girls. Are. A prawblem. Do you understand what I’m sayin’? A. Prawblem!

And don’t miss a special edition of Judge Judy when she travels to Mount Olympus to dispense a certain “divine” justice. The gods might be angry!

Zeus:
What can I say? I’m a god; that’s how I roll.

Judge Judy:
Well, you’re about to learn just how this court rolls!

(to bailiff)

Oh, I am so going to enjoy this.

From the September/October 2012 issue of The Horn Book Magazine.

The post Judge Judy appeared first on The Horn Book.

Fashion and children’s literature icon Heidi struts onto the runway, leading one of her goats on a chic, to-die-for leash.

HEIDI: Hello, everyvon and velcome to da runvay! I am your host, Heidi. This is Ziegfried. Your challenge vas to design a fresh new look for some of children’s literature’s biggest icons. Von of you vill be da vinner of this challenge, and von of you…vill be out. Let’s meet da judges!

Fresh from Mr. McGregor’s garden, fashion designer and style icon Mr. Peter Rabbit!

PETER RABBIT: Hellooo, darlings! Call me P.R.!

HEIDI: From the streets of Paris, where she walked da two straight lines of classic style and wild gypsy élan, our own Madeline!

MADELINE: ’Allo, everyone!

HEIDI: Our guest judge tonight is as famous for his sleek Italian line of clothing for real boys as he is for his brutal honesty. Pinocchio!

PINOCCHIO: Grazie, molto grazie, Heidi! I am overwhelmed by the honor of being asked to be a part of this wonderful, glorious show! And to be in the presence of such prestigious fellow-judges! It’s such a privilege that I can barely—whooooops! Oh, no! No! Not on TV! Wait a minute! What I meant to say was: This will be an interesting experience! There! That’s better!

HEIDI: Let’s start da show!

Later, the three finalists have left the runway—one has flounced off—and the judges are having a little chat.

HEIDI: Judges, let’s talk about da vons vee liked. Vat did vee think about Puss in Boots’s new look for Eloise?

MADELINE: J’adore the new Eloise!

HEIDI: Puss in Boots really did a great job.

P.R.: Just taming that—to quote Eloise’s Nanny—gawd-awful hair made such a difference! The dreadlocks—fabulous! And brilliant choice keeping her in separates.

PINOCCHIO: The Princess lines—so slimming!—especially on someone with a real-girl figure.

P.R.: And now I’m asking myself, why was she wearing that puffy-sleeved white blouse and that horrendous pleated skirt for all those years? I mean, come on. Isn’t her mother supposed to be a friend of Lily Daché, for crying
out loud?

HEIDI: I haff never understood those straps on dat skirt…

MADELINE: Not to mention zose peenk bloomers!

Heidi, Madeline, Pinocchio, and P.R. all shake their heads and make tutting noises.

P.R.: Well, I would have accepted almost anything Puss in Boots came up with for Eloise, but I have to say I was thrilled with her new look. But did anyone else notice the sloppy hemline?

HEIDI: He ran out of time again, I’m thinking? Vat did you all think about the accessories?

PINOCCHIO: I was so pleased to see her out of Mary Jane shoes…

P.R.: Oh, thank god! Such a cliché! The new high tops were inspired. They said “young,” they said “active”…

MADELINE: Yes, and eet definitely said “urban,” which we want for Eloise. Very witty, I thought.

HEIDI: I don’t know…did they detract from the overall look?

PINOCCHIO: Maybe if they had been black instead of that violent cerise?

P.R.: I was just so happy that Puss in Boots didn’t trot out yet another set of boots. It was a pop of color, maybe just too loud a pop?

ALL: Maybe…maybe so…

HEIDI: Let’s talk about Cinderella’s new look for Little Boy Blue.

P.R.: Oh, my GOD! That was a disaster!

MADELINE: An absolute disaster. Zut alors! I could not look.

P.R.: I mean, can Cinderella show us anything else? It’s the same costume-y look over and over! And why on earth would you take away that classic blue that he’s known for, for goodness sake, and put him in—I don’t even know what to call that color! Was it some sort of Marshmallow-Easter-Egg-Rainbow-Brite mauve?

PINOCCHIO: I have to say, I liked the impudence of that silhouette.

HEIDI: (after a pause) Uh-oh! I think dat you are maybe not telling the whole truth?

PINOCCHIO: (flustered) Well, very truthfully, it made him look—I hate to say this—but he actually looked like a prom queen.

MADELINE: Zat is all she has shown us! Either a ball gown or zee dress for za prom. Quel horreur!

P.R.: Exactly! The challenge was not to make the icons completely unrecognizable! Or to put them in drag! It was to update their look! I was dumbstruck! He could have been on a float in the Toyland Parade! A complete miss.

PINOCCHIO: Absolutely wrong for him; especially for someone with such an earthy realism as Little Boy Blue.

P.R.: Those spangles! The bugle beads!
My god!

HEIDI: And Cinderella vas not at all interested in vat vee had to say, either.

MADELINE: Oh, and to tell us zat ice-cream pink was going to be zee new pastel blue? We are not idiots, non?

P.R.: I just wanted to say to her, ‘Listen, Princess, you might think you’re all that because you design for an exclusive clientele now, but please.’ Let’s be honest, who in her kingdom is going to tell Cinderella that she only designs looks fit for balls? That’s just not real life! Show us some day wear, for heaven’s sake!

PINOCCHIO: I did enjoy the flocks of songbirds that continuously fluttered around that look, though. It was really quite daring.

MADELINE: Oui, zat part did actually work. Not many designers could carry that off.

P.R.: Hell-ooo! Busy much? No one could carry that off!

HEIDI: Okay, so vee agree dat look did not so much vork. Vat did vee think about Eeyore’s look for Raggedy Ann?

P.R.: Oh, I mean, come on! Give me a break! He actually kept those red-and-white horizontal striped leggings!

MADELINE: I cannot look. My eyes are bleeding from zees leggings.

PINOCCHIO: Well, I disagree! The leggings are part of her iconic look. I wouldn’t have recognized her without them. (after a pause) I’m telling the truth!

P.R.: Well, dotted Swiss fabric was part of Heidi’s look, too, but she’s not completely bedecked in it anymore! God! We all know how I feel about leggings anyway—but those!

HEIDI: I am still wearing the dotted Swiss! You just can’t see it anymore!

Nervous laughter from all.

P.R.: Oh, my god!

HEIDI: Eeyore’s designs up to this point have been so Goth; I vas happy to see a little brightness. And dose leggings drew attention to Raggedy Ann’s gorgeous gams, but I think she’s maybe de only doll who has de legs for dat.

P.R.: Well, I was thrilled to see Rags in a simple cocktail dress and out of that boring pinafore finally.

MADELINE: I cannot remember zee last time I have seen a pinafore?

PINOCCHIO: Little House on the Prairie?

P.R.: Miss Minchin’s Select Seminary for Young Ladies?

HEIDI: Dat is like the Ice Age in fashion!

P.R.: Well, the update for Rags was well overdue. We disagree on the leggings, but the toned-down hair—

MADELINE: Zat auburn!

P.R.:—in a sleek bun? Fabulous! Could not have been more fabulous!

MADELINE: Trés chic. And—comment dit-on?—completely on trend.

HEIDI: And her makeup! Her eyes—not so button-y.

MADELINE: Zat smoky eye gave her so much more depth.

PINOCCHIO: And when we asked the model to scrooch down so we didn’t see so much of the leggings—

ALL: “…so much better!” “Miles better!” “God, yes!”

The discussion continues until a decision is finally reached. The designers are called back to the runway. Heidi addresses them while Ziegfried nibbles on his leash.

HEIDI: Designers, as you know, in fashion and in children’s literature, von day you are in and the next day—or hundreds of years later—you’re out. Puss in Boots, vee loved da new Eloise—very urban and soigné. And you were de only von to show us separates. However, while we were happy to see you step away from showing us another pair of boots, her shoes were maybe a bit too much the wrong color and were distracting. And, once again, your tailoring vas not so polished.

Cinderella, even though vee did not like to see Little Boy Blue in pink, and were hoping to not see him in a ball gown, vee did admire your commitment to your vision. Vee also thought that accessorizing with a flock of songbirds was a bold new choice.

Eeyore, your re-invention of Raggedy Ann showed us a surprisingly cheerful side of you! While vee disagreed about the leggings (P.R. can be heard in background: “God!”), vee appreciated that you left in Raggedy Ann’s signature red-and-white stripes instead of insisting on your usual palette of blacks and grays.

Dramatic pause. Throbbing music rises.

HEIDI: Eeyore, congratulations! You are da vinner of this challenge! You gave Raggedy Ann an entirely new, quirky-punk-glam look while hanging on to her signature red-and-white leggings. And, you did not give up your own individual style. Da look was modern, imaginative, sophisticated, and even a little naughty. I myself vould vear this look. Good job! You may leave the runway.

Eeyore shakes his head in disbelief and mumbles his thanks to the judges. He shambles off the stage.

HEIDI: Puss in Boots, Cinderella; dat means dat von of you vill be out!

Almost unbearably long pause. Music swells to headache-inducing levels.

HEIDI: Cinderella, you’re out! While vee appreciate your daring in using flocks of songbirds to accessorize, you showed us, vonce again, another ball gown. Vee asked you in da last two challenges to show us something new.

Also, while vee had asked for an update on da look of a children’s book icon, vee did not vant you to go so far overboard. Putting Little Boy Blue in pink, and in a dress, vas a mistake. Auf Wiedersehen! (kiss-kiss!)

Close-up of Eeyore backstage.

EEYORE: Well, it’s my first win…and it’s probably my last.

Backstage, after the hissing, braying, and sobbing has subsided, a red-faced and disheveled Cinderella spits at the camera.

CINDERELLA: Well, those (bleep)ing judges are just, plain wrong! They clearly have a very old-fashioned idea of what fashion is. Bunch of (bleep) (bleep)ing (bleep) fuddie-duddies! (Bleep)! I can’t believe I’m out! Little Boy Blue looked fabulous! Especially in that off-the-shoulder neckline! Everyone looks fabulous in ball gowns, and looking (bleeping) fabulous is what fashion is all about! They have no (bleep)ing imagination! [Crying now.] You have to be visionary! I cannot believe I lost to that (bleep)ing (bleep) ass! My Fairy Godmother says that everything happens for a reason, so I’m thinking I’m out because I’m too much of a threat! Don’t worry, I am certainly not going to stop designing! I’ve already submitted sketches for the next Toyland Parade’s “Bears of Fairytale Land” float. With my genius, those Bears are gonna look (bleep)ing magnificent!

Roll credits.

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for “The Housewives of Fairytale Land!” Will Snow White and Red Riding Hood resolve their quarrel? Is Sleeping Beauty really going to change her name back to Briar Rose? Can the Little Mermaid cope with the pressures of life on Land? And how are the new couple, Tinkerbell and Captain Hook, fitting in to Fairytale Land?

Close shot of Tinkerbell.

TINKERBELL: I don’t belong here with these crazy-(bleep) people. They’re all exactly alike: beautiful, obedient victims—not one of them had a real job before she was married! It’s like the (bleep)ing Stepford Fairytale Wives around here! Sick of it!

—Elizabeth Thomas

Illustrations by Lauren Kim.

The post Project Child’s Play appeared first on The Horn Book.