My teacher read it
To show why we should always
Listen to spiders.
(Charlotte’s Web)

The illustrations
Showed corks growing in bunches
Like fruit on the trees.
(The Story of Ferdinand)

A single gold tooth,
One of them had, but neither
Of them wore a shirt.
(George and Martha)

You know the one where
The police officers
Look like (ahem) pigs?
(Sylvester and the Magic Pebble)

Mother and father
Left him all alone and then
A lion ate him.
(Pierre)

There’s a bird in it
And you’re not supposed to let
Him do anything.
(Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus)

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You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judy.
The cases are real. The creatures are folkloric. The rulings are final.

.

CASE #10705: EVIL STEPSISTERS v. CINDERELLA

Judge Judy:
You two stepsisters are suing Cinderella and her prince because your
feet were irrevocably damaged after trying on some shoes, correct?

Evil Stepsister #1:
Yes, Your Honor.

Evil Stepsister #2:
He would only marry the woman who could fit into that shoe —
exhibit A — so we had to mutilate our feet to get it on.

Judge Judy:
You thought a prince with a foot fetish was your best option for a happily-ever-after life? Lissen up: You ever heard of Old Mother Hubbard? Know what her name used ta be? Sleeping Beauty! You girls: Get some help. Case dismissed. Step out please.

(to bailiff)

Un. Be. Lievable.

•    •    •

CASE #10706: HANSEL & GRETEL v. THEIR FATHER

Judge Judy:
Are you tellin’ me you didn’t try anything to find your children?

Father:
I waited outside the cottage every night for those two!

Judge Judy:
You didn’t hire a private detective? Talk to a wizard? Nothing?

Father:
I — I’ve got no bread!

Judge Judy:
You, sir. Are. A. Weasel. Judgment to the plaintiffs.

(outside the courtroom)

Hansel:
We’re very happy with the verdict! Dad’s cottage is gonna be worth a fortune!
With that, and the witch’s place and her gold, we are sittin’ pretty!

Gretel:
Thanks, Judge Judy!

•    •    •

CASE #10707: RAPUNZEL v. HER BIRTH PARENTS

Judge Judy:
So you gave your baby dawtah — your only child, right? — to the witch
who lived next door as payment for some stolen salad greens?!

Rapunzel’s Parents:
Uh, well, when you put it like that, I guess it sounds kinda —

Judge Judy:
ARE YOU KIDDIN’ ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

•    •    •

CASE #10708: JILL v. JACK

Judge Judy:
You left her lying there, even though you could see she was in trouble?

Jack:
There was nothing I could do!

Jill:
I really twisted my back, Your Hon —

Judge Judy:
Up-bup-bup! You’ll get your turn, madam! Go on.

Jack:
My crown was broken! I had to get in bed with a poultice
of vinegar and brown paper. It’s all in the file there —

Judge Judy:
Why wouldn’t you call all the king’s horses and men?
Isn’t that who you contact in emergencies around here?

Jack:
I lost my cell phone!

Judge Judy:
That is a crock of baloney, sir! Now your side, madam: GO.

Jill:
So I really, really hurt my back and I’m suing for loss of work, and mental cruelty and…

Judge Judy:
Hold on a second. Why does it take two of you to fetch one little pail of water?

Jill:
I have carpal tunnel.

Judge Judy:
Then why not just send him?

Jill:
Because he usually drinks it all before we can get it to the customers!

Judge Judy:
Customers? Who buys well water? What’s goin’ on up that hill? HUH?

Jill:
Well, nothing illegal like a still or anyth — oops.

Judge Judy:
Okay. That’s it. I’m turning your case over to the king. Simple. As. That. You won’t be needing molasses or whatever you had on your head — you’ll be lucky to have your head at all! Not that either of your heads was ever screwed on straight to begin with.

(to bailiff)

Nuts! They’re all nuts!

•    •    •

CASE #10709: EVIL STEPMOTHER v. SNOW WHITE

Judge Judy:
Okay, madam, you’re suing your stepdawtah for the cost of a
comb, some laces, and an apple, is that correct?

Evil Stepmother:
Yes, Your Honor. And also for the cost of a magic mirror which she broke. Willfully.

Judge Judy:
Madam, the police report shows clearly that the mirror broke itself.

Evil Stepmother:
But — !

Judge Judy:
Get over the mirror. Now: Do you have any receipts for the costs of any of those items?

Evil Stepmother:
Well, no. I mean, it’s not like that…

Judge Judy:
Then what are we doing here?

Evil Stepmother:
I made those things myself! They were priceless! I’ll never be able to replace — !

Judge Judy:
SHHHHHHH! It’s not happening! Okay. Now you. You are?

Snow White:
Snow Kristi-with-a-smiley-face-over-each-i White.

Judge Judy:
What’s your story?

Snow White (recites in a too-sweet, singsong-y voice):
One winter day, my mother was sewing and while she gazed out
at the snow through an ebony window frame —

Judge Judy:
Stop! Lissenta me: why are you here in my courtroom?

(to bailiff)

Dumber. Than. Dirt.

(to Snow White)

Are you responsible for ruining those things?

Snow White (shrugging):
No. I mean, I guess those things got wrecked, but I didn’t wreck ’em.

Judge Judy:
Miss White, if you didn’t, who did?

Seven Dwarves:
Uh, Your Honor?

Judge Judy:
Who are these people? Are these friends of yours?

Snow White:
These used to be my housemates.

Judge Judy:
All of them? Unbelievable. Okay, go ahead, please.

Seven Dwarves:
In order to save Snow White’s life, there may have been
some inadvertent damage to the aforesaid items.

Judge Judy:
What? SLOWLY!

(to bailiff)

Oh brother. This is gonna take awhile.

(outside the courtroom)

Snow White:
My stepmother is crazy. And she’s still mad about the whole,
red-hot iron shoes thing. Gosh! Get over it!

Evil Stepmother:
I don’t care what Judge Judy says. I’m still the fairest. The fairest!

•    •    •

CASE #10710: OLD WOMAN IN SHOE v. PRINCE CHARMING

Prince Charming:
Hey, how ya doin’, Judge?

Judge Judy:
Don’t you ask me how I’m doing. Where’s her money?

Prince C.:
I don’t owe her a —

Judge Judy:
Stop. Stop tawking. Do you mean to tell me that —

Prince C.:
— single dime! She like —

Judge Judy:
I’m tawking, sir! When I am talking, you do not talk! You got that?

Prince C.:
Yeah.

Judge Judy:
Yes.

Prince C.:
Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
That’s better. So let me get this straight: This old woman
in a shoe, here, a single mother of — how many?

Old Woman In Shoe:
Thirty-six, I think, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
You “think”?

O.W.I.S.:
I’m pretty sure.

Judge Judy:
Pretty sure?! You don’t have an exact count of your children?

O.W.I.S.:
Well, okay, thirty-six that I know of for certain. Oh, wait — no! — fifty-seven!
Fifty-seven is right. Some of them are at camp.

Judge Judy (to bailiff):
These people. Are. In. Sane.

(to Prince C.)

Okay, so back to you, Mr. Chawming…

Prince C. (sniggering):
Uh…that’s Prince Charming, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
Don’t be a Smwaht Mouth with me, sir. I’m much, much smarter than you.
You’re not as smart as I am if you live to be 103.

Prince C.:
Well actually, as an iconic male fantasy character, it could be argued that I’m a lot older than —

Judge Judy:
I’M SPEAKING! What gave you the idea that this mother of fifty-seven —

(to O.W.I.S.)

We’re sticking with that number?

(O.W.I.S. hesitantly nods yes and Judge Judy continues)

— fifty-seven children, would let you live with her rent free?
Are you married? Is she your girlfriend?

Prince C.:
No! We had a verbal agreement.

O.W.I.S.:
He was living with us —

Judge Judy:
Shhhhhh! So you have no legal document of any kind that states that this woman would pay for all of your cosmetic surgeries, care for you afterward, and give you a place to live? Nothing?

Prince C.:
Well, like I said, we had a verbal agreement. I said I’d look after the kids sometimes and she said she’d help me out. I mean, I’m like doin’ her a favor jus’ bein’ around her! I’m, like, twenty-one and she’s, like, almost thirty! And it’s not like she doesn’t have the money or nothin’.

Judge Judy:
You think a woman with fifty-seven children has money to burn?

(to bailiff)

Cannot stand him.

(to O.W.I.S.)

Now, to you, madam: did he do what he said and help
with the kids? Help around the house at all?

O.W.I.S.:
Mostly he just lay on the couch, watchin’ TV.

Judge Judy:
Was he watching this show?

O.W.I.S.:
He watches that jousting show.

Judge Judy (to bailiff):
This is why. You do not let. Fifteen-year-old princesses have babies!
This is the future of our fairy tales.

(to O.W.I.S.)

If you’ve learned anything, madam, and I hope you teach all fifty-seven of your kids this: Do not fall! For a pretty! Face! Judgment to the plaintiff in the amount of a big sack of gold for back rent. And in the future, madam, get a contract in writing before a guy moves in. Step out, please.

(outside the courtroom)

O.W.I.S.: I guess I’ll be more careful next time.

Prince Charming (sees Evil Stepsisters #1 and #2 in hallway and sidles up beside them):
Wow, those colors look really awesome on each of you! Would you ladies care for a little lunch? I know a place that takes plastic. (both sisters blush and giggle delightedly)

•    •    •

CASE #10711: GRANDMOTHER v. RED RIDING HOOD

Grandmother:
She’s come home a few times and asked us to call the police because of her no-good boyfriend who’s been stealing from her trust fund. And we —

Boyfriend:
But she gave me that money for a new investment opportunity!

Judge Judy:
Stop just a minute. Is this the boyfriend right here? Stand up. What’s your name?

Boyfriend:
My name is —

Judge Judy:
What? STAND UP!

Boyfriend:
I am standing up, Your Honor! And my name is Jiminy Cricket!

Judge Judy:
All right, Mr. Cricket. (pause) You look familiar to me. Have you been in my courtroom before?

Jiminy Cricket:
Uh, no ma’am?

Judge Judy:
I saw you in connection with another case. With a certain Thumbelina?

Jiminy Cricket:
No ma’am. That was my cousin.

Judge Judy:
Oh, your cousin? I think not. You owed her for rent as I recall?

Jiminy Cricket:
No, Your Honor! That was my cousin, Mole!

Judge Judy:
Are you serious? You think I can’t tell the difference between
you and a mole? Okay, I’m done with you. Siddown.

(to bailiff)

Are you getting this? It’s so easy. So easy.

(to Grandmother)

I can see why you are concerned about your granddawtah’s choices,
madam, but this is a legal matter. Not an emotional one.

Grandmother:
But Your Honor! She’s run away from home and we haven’t
seen her in months — and her stepgrandfather and I —

Little Red Riding Hood:
You threw me out! I hate you!

Grandmother: We did not throw — !

Judge Judy:
BE QUIET! (Wham! Wham! Wham!) You, madam, are going to have to let her make mistakes. She’s got a job, right? Delivering Meals on Wheels? She looks put together in that red get-up, yes? Not exactly my taste, but whatever.

Little Red Riding Hood:
Yes. Thank you, Your Honor.

Grandmother:
I guess he is better than her last boyfriend.

Judge Judy:
Not that it’s any of my business, but what happened to him?

Grandmother:
He ran off with the woodcutter.

Judge Judy:
Case dismissed. Be nice to each other. Step out, please.

(outside the courtroom)

Jiminy Cricket:
I AM standing up!

Tune in next week when Judge Judy goes
Puritanical on the Salem Witch trials!

Judge Judy:
Can I see the police report on these mysterious goings-on in the woods?

Chief Justice William Stoughton (shuffling frantically through a sheaf of papers):
We — we don’t actually have a police report. But we have eyewitnesses!

Judge Judy:
Are these girls your witnesses?

William Stoughton:
Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Judy:
Stand up. (the girls stand up) Oh. Brother. I can see it from here.

(to bailiff)

Are you seein’ this?

(to Stoughton)

Do you have children, sir?

William Stoughton:
I don’t see what that has to do with —

Judge Judy:
I have dawtahs and I wouldn’t believe a single one of these girls. Not. One. These girls. Are. A prawblem. Do you understand what I’m sayin’? A. Prawblem!

And don’t miss a special edition of Judge Judy when she travels to Mount Olympus to dispense a certain “divine” justice. The gods might be angry!

Zeus:
What can I say? I’m a god; that’s how I roll.

Judge Judy:
Well, you’re about to learn just how this court rolls!

(to bailiff)

Oh, I am so going to enjoy this.

From the September/October 2012 issue of The Horn Book Magazine.

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Illustration: Jose-Luis Olivares

“Hi, Mum! Hi, Pop!” Mike squeaks as he hops from the screen onto the table. “Look at me! I’m the first boy sent by television!”

Mrs. Teavee shrieks. “You’re an inch tall! Oh, my sweet boy!”

“Sweet?” Grandpa Joe whispers to me. “He blew Violet to bits!”

True, Mike did chuck his flinty Everlasting Gobstopper at the ballooning, purple Violet, popping her and splattering blueberry juice, sugary blood, and bile all over the Inventing Room. But Violet was hardly a sweetie. She was, after all, the one who had shoved Veruca into a mob of vicious, mutant squirrels and happily snapped her gum as the gnawed Princess of Nuts slid down the garbage chute. Of course, Veruca herself had previously kicked Augustus squarely in his generous lederhosen, dumping him into the churning chocolate river that led to his being swirled into fudge. (I regret ever having eaten a morsel manufactured in this place.)

Yet I find it difficult to condemn my fellow contestants for their assorted cruelties. Our sadistic host, who at present is suppressing snickers as he unapologetically consoles Mrs. Teavee, lured us all like Hansels and Gretels into this gingerbread house of horrors. If anyone here lacks sweetness, it is Mr. Willy Wonka, demon chocolatier. When this bloody contest concludes and I claim my prize, I will personally see to it that he receives his just desserts.

We were five ticket-holders this morning; now the remaining lone obstacle separating me from my prize has been greatly, er, reduced—to the size of a gummy bear, in fact. The humane thing would be to put wee Mike out of his misery. At least this is how I rationalize the heinous crime I am about to commit.

I reach into my tattered pocket and silently commend myself for having scooped up some of the treats I found behind the door marked EXPLODING CANDY FOR YOUR ENEMIES. I select a weapon disguised as a tiny yellow butter mint. It ought to be sufficient to take out a target so small.

“Go on, Charlie, finish the job,” Grandpa Joe says, nudging me with his bony elbow. “Then it’s one last moralistic Oompa-Loompa song and we’ve won.”

I nod, bracing myself for the blast, and lob the mint.

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